HFirst chemo treatment. Getting anti-nausea meds first. I can feel it going in. I feel everything- my brain has gone into scan mode. Am I hot or cold? Does that pain in my back hurt? Di I need to use the restroom? When will Miami be underwater? Will the loser of the election concede? Are my feet tingling? Do I need anything? Sometimes the nurse's questions sets off an avalanche of my questions. AND EVERYTHING HAS THE SAME HIGH LEVEL OF URGENCEY WHEN IT CROSSES MY BRAIN. My mask hurts behind my ear. Does this sensitivity to feeling everything spark anxiety? Or is it the other way around? I have to remind myself to breathe slowly. God is here. It's hard to remember to breathe slowly and that God is here when the lights are too bright, that person over there coughs too loudly, that machine is beeping, the poison hasn't gone in yet. I can feel my blood flowing. I can't just go to sleep or dissociate. Sleep and dissociation are my top coping mechanisms. Both block out the overload of sensory input. When I can't use them, I feel like Queenie in Fantastic Beasts: Crimes of Grindelwald when she's in Paris in the rain and she can hear everyone's thoughts around her adding to the cacophony of her own. She is found by Vinda Rossier who brings her to Grindelwald. He is able to persuade her to his side because she is vulnerable to his message. This is where pop culture meets Bible study. Reading about the belt of truth in the Armor of God. It is important because it strengthens the core and other pieces of armor "hang" on and attach to it. It makes us less vulnerable to Satan's messages. And Satan's messages are deceptive because they don't sound wrong, they sound almost right. Like "God is here and He cares but He doesn't care about that particular thing that's really bothering you. You just need to suck it up and believe more, have stronger faith, pray harder. You just aren't doing enough. You're a bad, inadequate Christian because you aren't trusting God." This refrain reverbrates in my head. It's wrong. God may have a different agenda, but He cares about what's important to me because that's how HE reframes or changes that problem into one that is less urgent or turns my attention to what He wants me to focus on. I only listen when I am first heard. I have journaled all the way through the infusion of my pre-chemo meds. New coping mechanism? Looks I'll be writing more. And here goes the big stuff. I will never forget woo I am. I have to give my name and birth date every time they do something. I'm just looking at the nurse putting notes in the computer and feeling overwhelmed. Once everything gets going and we know there isn't a bad reaction, I hope to nap. I could hear someone in another area snoring a bit ago. Now that it's going in, not feeling much. Yay! This one goes for an hour, the next one will be two hours. Last of the the office stuff going in. After that, comes the one that I go home with on a pump. So much saline! I have to pee every 10 minutes, it feels like.
Sept. 30
The nurse noticed in my bloodwork yesterday that my potassium was low. A script was called in, but we forgot to pick it up. Last night my legs started to cramp. I got up at midnight to eat a banana. I took some Tylenol, but no oxycodone. I went back to bed and slept well! I got up at 8am to use the restroom and felt ok. I took a couple more Tylenol for my back and slept some more. Woke up at 11:30 feeling almost normal. I can still feel my back a bit, but haven't taken any more meds. It's 2pm now. I actually feel better than I have in days. Not ready to run any races but I got laundry into the machine. I can think straight, so that when I start to think about the implications of the meds or the possible side effects and get freaked out, I can remind myself I don't feel really terrible at the moment. And I can't practice how I'll respond to feeling terrible. All in all, not a bad day so far.
The nurse noticed in my bloodwork yesterday that my potassium was low. A script was called in, but we forgot to pick it up. Last night my legs started to cramp. I got up at midnight to eat a banana. I took some Tylenol, but no oxycodone. I went back to bed and slept well! I got up at 8am to use the restroom and felt ok. I took a couple more Tylenol for my back and slept some more. Woke up at 11:30 feeling almost normal. I can still feel my back a bit, but haven't taken any more meds. It's 2pm now. I actually feel better than I have in days. Not ready to run any races but I got laundry into the machine. I can think straight, so that when I start to think about the implications of the meds or the possible side effects and get freaked out, I can remind myself I don't feel really terrible at the moment. And I can't practice how I'll respond to feeling terrible. All in all, not a bad day so far.