The biopsies came back and the news wasn't good. I now have to learn how to ask for and expect a miracle, while simultaneously being OK if the miracle is that I have less time to suffer. I admit I have squandered a lot of time here on Earth. I haven't appreciated what God has given me. I was even spared from death once already, when Katie was born. I had preeclampsia and my organs were shutting down., then my blood wouldn't clot. I'm just now realizing the miracle with my heart. I knew it but I didn't feel it. Now I feel it deeply. I feel everything deeply. My emotions are too big for my body. They overwhelm me, making me want to sleep, escape, robbing me of the little appetite I have. God is teaching me lessons I didn't want to learn. Couldn't I just be perfected when I get to Heaven without the extra lessons? Probably. But as long as I have life left, I suppose He has more to teach. I just wish I could go on trips I want to take , eat the foods I want to eat, meet the celebrities I wanted to meet at conferences- Ha! Not the most worthy of goals. I finally want to do some living and I can't. Sometimes I wish I could chop wood, throw knives, break things, not that I have the energy. My energy is zapped in mental and emotional exertion. But the rage just overtakes my imagination. I know it's normal. That doesn't make it feel any better. It is better than despair. That's when God has to hold on to me because I'm too weak to hold on to Him. I slide across the spectrum of emotions faster than my 15 yr old self on my period. Which would be lovely to get rid of, by the way! If I'm going to have a terminal disease, do I really need raging hormones, too?! The words have run out for now. But I know they'll come again.