Everything continues to crash in, it feels like. The radiation on my leg had no side effects, but neither did it help much. I have found a stretch that feels a bit better, though. I continue only stretches for PT. My exercise class has begun work on changing my gait to what it should be. My oncologist wants to put me on a new chemo drug. He told me it has a higher incidence of nausea and diarrhea, and I'll lose my hair again. Plus, the mouth sores could also come back. This is a nightmare scenario for me. With still not being able to walk long distances, having to abstain from bigger gatherings YET AGAIN because of rising Covid cases, and just plain horror at the list of side effects (which are the most common ones, btw), I am beginning to question what quality of life really means to me. To that end, I DID NOT start the new drug, yet. I feel like I pray for guidance and wisdom over and over, but all I hear are my own thoughts and wishful thinking. God could be leading/teaching me with either decision I make. Do I take the new drug that can actually prevent new brain lesions, thereby teaching me how to handle that fear of side effects? Or do I refuse a new drug that will lower my quality of life and suppress my immunity even further, thereby teaching me to rely on God's provision? I'm not planning to totally discontinue treatment, yet (unless that is the answer I get from God), just stay on my current regimen. I am also not averse to starting the drug at a later time, though I am told that it will be less effective if the cancer does continue to metastasize in my brain. I'm not looking for advice. I need wisdom from my Papa. I feel like I'm defective or something because I can't discern His voice. I'm reading another book on the Holy Spirit. It's not like I've never felt the Holy Spirit before. But I've never been the center of what was happening. The closest experience I have is when I went to Sunday night service with my family in Conway, SC. I was assured that anyone was invited to praise. My cousin lent me a track for "Shout to the Lord." I sang, and it was effortless, but that wasn't what was amazing (I don't say that to be conceited; I'm trained). What came next blew me away. A lady stood and asked for me to sing it again, immediately. She was feeling led to sign it while I sang. I have no idea who needed that, or in what way, but the room buzzed with electricity. I've been in other rooms that have buzzed, hummed, or just felt transcendent. I've seen people slain in the Spirit. I've never experienced that myself, or had any of the gifts mentioned in 1 Corinthians happen in me. I know those gifts are for the edification of the church, and I have the gift of teaching that doesn't manifest quite that boldly. I feel like I'm missing something, though, and online services are part of the equation. I am IMMENSELY grateful for those services, because they keep me safe. I am starting to feel like I'm not really safe, no matter what. That is a huge deal for me. If you are familiar with the Enneagram, I'm a six. I don't trust much, and when I put my trust in something, I'll go down with the ship for it. But I'll never be safe from cancer, I'm not truly safe from Covid, and any number of things could do me in, so to speak, at any time. I am only afraid of the earthly suffering of the process of death. Otherwise, I feel like Paul, in his letter to the Phillipians (1: 18b-23):
...Yes, and I will continue to rejoice, 19for I know that through your prayers and God’s provision of the Spirit of Jesus Christ what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance. 20I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. 21For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. 22If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! 23I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; ...
While his circumstances were vastly different, the desire resonates with me. My emotions are all over the place, but that desire to be with, or useful to, Christ burns in me. I just don't know what earthly decisions are in line with His plans for me. Please pray that I will receive discernment, guidance, and wisdom. Most of all, that my courage will come from above, for I have none on my own. For those who remember my trip to Kenya, this is a similar test for me. My bedroom is the scene of a JFK Airport meltdown every few nights. But I got on the plane and went, and I know God will go with me wherever I go.
Psalm 139: 7-12
7Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
8If I ascend to heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in Sheol (the nether world, the place of the dead), behold, You are there
9If I take the wings of the dawn,
If I dwell in the remotest part of the seas
10Even there Your hand will lead me,
And Your right hand will take hold of me.
11If I say, “Surely the darkness will cover me,
And the night will be the only light around me,”
12Even the darkness is not dark to You and conceals nothing from You,
But the night shines as bright as the day;
Darkness and light are alike to You.
...Yes, and I will continue to rejoice, 19for I know that through your prayers and God’s provision of the Spirit of Jesus Christ what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance. 20I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. 21For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. 22If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! 23I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; ...
While his circumstances were vastly different, the desire resonates with me. My emotions are all over the place, but that desire to be with, or useful to, Christ burns in me. I just don't know what earthly decisions are in line with His plans for me. Please pray that I will receive discernment, guidance, and wisdom. Most of all, that my courage will come from above, for I have none on my own. For those who remember my trip to Kenya, this is a similar test for me. My bedroom is the scene of a JFK Airport meltdown every few nights. But I got on the plane and went, and I know God will go with me wherever I go.
Psalm 139: 7-12
7Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
8If I ascend to heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in Sheol (the nether world, the place of the dead), behold, You are there
9If I take the wings of the dawn,
If I dwell in the remotest part of the seas
10Even there Your hand will lead me,
And Your right hand will take hold of me.
11If I say, “Surely the darkness will cover me,
And the night will be the only light around me,”
12Even the darkness is not dark to You and conceals nothing from You,
But the night shines as bright as the day;
Darkness and light are alike to You.